Marriage - You must become a student of your mate!
I have seen and heard some disturbing trends lately on the marriage front. One theme I keep hearing over and over again is the idea of each spouse spending time on different hobbies, different television shows and even in different rooms. As a young bride of almost 30 years. (Ha, to the young part) I feel like I must point out the fallacy of these trends.
There are many keys to a successful marriage but here I will only touch on two of them, spending time together and give and take on how you spend that time together.
My husband and I do have different likes and dislikes, we are two different people. But in marriage we have had to meld ourselves together around our differences. A couple of examples; my husband loves to fish. I had a slight interest in fishing when we got married, I was the tomboy type, but I never had the interest he had. After these many years however I have learned more about fishing and am even to the point where he let's me buy my own lure in the fishing store, I pick by color and shininess. What I have learned is that fishing is fun! I am out there with my nails done and my Tiffany bracelet just jumping in. Ok, I actually never last as long as he does at fishing but hey, we are together doing something he loves and I can jump in and learn. Also, I have learned to enjoy walking around Home Depot and Tractor supply too. The key; we are spending time together.
My dear husband is a 6'4 former football playing, strapping man. Guess what? He has learned to watch decorating shows on HGTV. Does he or ever will he decorate anything? Probably not, but he watches those shows to spend time with me. He also goes to antique malls, drives and spends time seeing historic places and in general compromising and doing some of the things I like to do. But while we are watching those decorating shows in the evening we are talking and holding hands and catching up on our day. These little compromises work, trust me. My husband once went to the movie theater to see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", he really did. He was the only man in the entire theater and we laughed and held hands and ate popcorn and enjoyed a silly girlie movie. It can be done men, it can. The key; we are spending time together.
So the idea of the "man cave", of my husband going somewhere else to spend time and watching "his" shows, not happening here. I have seen this idea repeated by young couples over and over again on those decorating shows, "Here is my man cave" if that idea is sustained for very long those relationships are headed for trouble. And just an aside, to the men, get over the whole video game thing, it is fine for a little while as a fun entertainment, if it becomes your life passion and you choose that over your woman, you are out of balance. Sorry gents but it's true. And ladies, do not "feminize" your man, sometimes you have to go do the guy thing. Trust me it's worth it. Pursue time together with your mate. I do not go in my room and read or do something else, we are spending time together. I am certainly able to go to my craft room and craft and he is certainly able to go upstairs and work an extra hour but, if we do those things it is rare and occasional. I do have girl time when I go see a "girlie" movie with a friend or the dh goes and hangs out with one of the guys, but those times are not very many or very often. And by the way, we actually like being together!
I have also heard the mantra lately, "We don't have anything in common", that may be true, but have you become a student of your mate? Find out what they like and pursue those things. Then hopefully the other spouse will do the same. You must become a student of the other and know their likes and dislikes. Then, go and do some of the other person's interest. I think we become selfish and only want to do what we want to do. That is wrong and will never work in marriage. Besides, you can learn to like something new. Just do it.
We all want to believe, love is enough, it is not. We all want to believe, being in the same house is enough, it is not. And you must learn the balance of how much time you need to spend together, for us, it is a lot, you may get by with more time apart but be careful and find what works for you. For your relationship to succeed you must study your mate, learn their likes and dislikes and then give and take. I only have 30 years of experience but this has been true in our lives. It is takes work to maintain a healthy relationship but trust me, it is worth it.
There are many keys to a successful marriage but here I will only touch on two of them, spending time together and give and take on how you spend that time together.
My dear husband is a 6'4 former football playing, strapping man. Guess what? He has learned to watch decorating shows on HGTV. Does he or ever will he decorate anything? Probably not, but he watches those shows to spend time with me. He also goes to antique malls, drives and spends time seeing historic places and in general compromising and doing some of the things I like to do. But while we are watching those decorating shows in the evening we are talking and holding hands and catching up on our day. These little compromises work, trust me. My husband once went to the movie theater to see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", he really did. He was the only man in the entire theater and we laughed and held hands and ate popcorn and enjoyed a silly girlie movie. It can be done men, it can. The key; we are spending time together.
So the idea of the "man cave", of my husband going somewhere else to spend time and watching "his" shows, not happening here. I have seen this idea repeated by young couples over and over again on those decorating shows, "Here is my man cave" if that idea is sustained for very long those relationships are headed for trouble. And just an aside, to the men, get over the whole video game thing, it is fine for a little while as a fun entertainment, if it becomes your life passion and you choose that over your woman, you are out of balance. Sorry gents but it's true. And ladies, do not "feminize" your man, sometimes you have to go do the guy thing. Trust me it's worth it. Pursue time together with your mate. I do not go in my room and read or do something else, we are spending time together. I am certainly able to go to my craft room and craft and he is certainly able to go upstairs and work an extra hour but, if we do those things it is rare and occasional. I do have girl time when I go see a "girlie" movie with a friend or the dh goes and hangs out with one of the guys, but those times are not very many or very often. And by the way, we actually like being together!
I have also heard the mantra lately, "We don't have anything in common", that may be true, but have you become a student of your mate? Find out what they like and pursue those things. Then hopefully the other spouse will do the same. You must become a student of the other and know their likes and dislikes. Then, go and do some of the other person's interest. I think we become selfish and only want to do what we want to do. That is wrong and will never work in marriage. Besides, you can learn to like something new. Just do it.
We all want to believe, love is enough, it is not. We all want to believe, being in the same house is enough, it is not. And you must learn the balance of how much time you need to spend together, for us, it is a lot, you may get by with more time apart but be careful and find what works for you. For your relationship to succeed you must study your mate, learn their likes and dislikes and then give and take. I only have 30 years of experience but this has been true in our lives. It is takes work to maintain a healthy relationship but trust me, it is worth it.
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